Welcome
by me.fergie
Summary: SongFic to Christina Aguilera's Welcome. Post 7.20. Lying in bed, Ryan thinks about his team and everything that had happend since he was on it.


**AN:** This is my second songfic. I don't think it is as good as Disturbia, but when I heard that song for the first time, I immediately thought of Ryan and how the team had treated him all the way... And I knew I had to write it. Please enjoy, read, and, please review.

Spoilers: Burned, Kill Switch, Born to kill, Resurrection, Target Specific, Wolfe in Sheep's Clothing.

Song: Welcome - Christina Aguilera

**Disclaimer: I don't own CSI Miami and its characters, nor do I own Christina's song. **

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**Welcome**

When Ryan got home this evening, he went to bed immediately. Normally, he would prepare dinner and sit down with it in front of the TV catching up on the latest news. Today, he didn't feel like it. He was hungry yes, but first of all, he didn't feel like food, and secondly, he knew with that pain in his mouth, he couldn't properly eat. He had thought of making a soup, but well…He was too tired. That last night…. Well, he didn't manage to catch any sleep at all. After they had kept him there and tortured him for the whole night, when they had thrown him out on the street, he had spent the last hours before going to work with cleaning his wounds and pondering over what to do. And now, he was exhausted… So he just lay down on the bed, staring at his ceiling….

**Welcome to the greatest show  
Greatest show on earth  
You've never seen before  
Let the fairytale unfold**

A fairytale it was indeed, this job. Sometimes too good to be true. As Ryan thought about all those happy days he had spent with the CSI team, when he thought of all the people he'd helped, it made him happier than he could tell. It was what he really wanted to do. Be there, serve justice and help those that couldn't help themselves. A show? Oh yes….

**What's behind the smoke and glass?  
Painted faces, everybody wears a mask  
Are you selling them your soul?  
****Will you be left out in the cold? **

He remembered the time after he had been fired. The people at the TV show he had been part of for a short time. They were wearing that mask. Pretending to be worried about the increase of murder and assault in the city, but in the end just trying to get the highest ratings. He had sold them his soul… luckily only for a short time. But when he had gotten his job back… He didn't feel any different about this soul selling thing. He had sold his soul to Horatio. He knew that, whatever his boss would tell him, he'd do it without questioning. Like when he helped staging Horatio's death. He knew that, if it had gone wrong, it would be his career that was over. Not Horatio's. He knew Horatio had chosen him because he didn't want to damage Eric's or Calleigh's career. And Ryan had helped his boss. Because Horatio had helped him before. And he felt he owed him big time. Yeah, he had sold his soul to Horatio.

And now, even more. He knew he depended on Horatio. He knew how this would have turned out if Horatio hadn't helped. Billy would be dead. Ryan would face… well, a trial and maybe even a jail sentence for messing with evidence and almost having put back a criminal on the street. Horatio had understood why he did what he had done, that he had done it because he had been desperate, desperate to safe an innocent life. But the others, Calleigh and Eric…. Ryan hadn't told them why he had all done this. That was not for them to know. He didn't like to be vulnerable. He didn't want to make up any excuses for his actions. He knew he had done wrong, and he wasn't the kind of guy to apologize it with anything. He knew he could have told Horatio from the beginning on. God, he would have believed him. After all, when looking at Ryan, everybody would have believed that those Russians weren't just talking. But he had decided to do it all alone. Again. And now?

**Is it all blue skies?  
Fun and games until you fall  
Then you're left without anyone at all**

**You're riding on a shooting star  
With a smile upon your face  
But soon the shine fades  
And you're left out all alone  
Wondering where did they all go?  
Oooh**

He chuckled. Yeah, indeed. When he was doing good work, everybody was happy. When he wasn't… well yeah. He had found it out today. Again. When he had given the bullet casing he had earlier picked up at the scene to Delko and Calleigh… the happy couple…. He had felt their hatred. He hadn't been expecting anything more from Delko, if he was honest. Delko and him… It had never been like… real friendship. More of a sort of mutual respect, and at some points, even honest caring for the other one. But never friendship. With Calleigh though, it had been different. Calleigh had liked him. She had really cared. Even today. She had been the only one noticing something was wrong. She had asked about his injuries. But he had given an excuse, and she had believed. He sighed. He was either an extremely good actor, or she just wasn't that interested and asked only out of curiosity. He wondered if Natalia had reacted otherwise. While Natalia and him had never been as close as he had been with Cal, Natalia seemed to really care. She had been the only one to never really give up on him. She had helped him getting reinstated. She had given him good advice when he had worked for the TV show. She had forgiven him when he had worked as an expert for the defence, even if he had gotten her into trouble. Somehow, she had always understood him. But today, she hadn't been there. He had only seen her for a brief moment. He wondered what they would tell her about him. Maybe Eric would tell her that he had compromised evidence because… Yeah, why exactly? If Eric would think about that question a bit, he would know that Ryan hadn't done it just because it was fun. Even Eric would realize that. But, if Ryan was honest, he knew he had screwed it up. He felt regret about it. He knew he could have told them all immediately. He could have told them what had happened to him, and why the Russians had done it. But that wasn't his style. He didn't want any pity; he didn't want to be looked at with that look of "Oh God, poor Ryan, all this pain…" It was hard enough without that. He shrugged. There was no point thinking about it. He had found out once more today that the other just saw him as sort of a machine that had to function, and if the machine didn't function, they would just turn away. No one of them had really tried to find out what was bugging him.

**Been jaded, hated,  
Who'll be around when the limelight's faded?  
Been sh****ot down, pushed out  
Made to smile when I wanted to frown**

Not that anyone had ever tried. When he had been gambling, they had just told him how wrong it was, but no one had asked why he had done it. It was just as it was now. Everybody showed him how wrong he was, but no one asked why he had done it. He shook his head. It wasn't worth thinking about it. He was the scapegoat of the team. And he was alone. He had done the right thing in not telling anybody about the torture. He'd rather be alone than have false friends that just turned away from him when he needed them most. He had been alone his whole life, so he could also be alone for the rest of it. He wouldn't go there and beg them to forgive him. He was so tired of always trying to be as they wanted him to be. He had his flaws and made mistakes, like everybody else, but they only always hated him for it. Okay, let them. He would be alright again.

**Always takin****' a bow  
Always workin' the crowd  
Always makin' the rounds  
Always playing the clown  
Who'll be stickin' it out?  
Who'll be stayin' around  
When the lights go down?**

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**As I said, I don't think this one is as good as Disturbia. But I was so p****ed off by Eric and Cal, I just couldn't do anything else but write. Hope you liked it. Please lemme know  
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